Archive | September, 2014

Tips for immediate weight loss: second edition

23 Sep

First we are going to talk about the scale. Some people say ‘don’t worry about the scale, it’s all about measurements.’ Well I will get to measurements in a moment. I can’t stress enough how important the scale is. The very first thing you want to do is pick up your scale (that’s exercise in itself). Once you’ve picked up the scale just have a good yell. This will convert the number in the scale to suit your wants. Once you’ve had a good yell you will immediately be able to wear skinny jeans and look great.

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Once you’ve gotten the yelling out, you’ll want to slowly, but swiftly, move the scale into one arm. It doesn’t matter which arm. You need to put on the cheesiest smile ever. Don’t worry the cheesy smile is not dairy. Once you’ve done that you will be down 10 pounds. 10 POUNDS. WOW, amazing right? I guarantee you will be slipping into that slinky black dress that’s been sitting in your closet since your senior prom.
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The next step is to sit on your scale. It’s imperative that you make a shhhh sign with your finger. Just have a nice rest. It will tighten your glutes so tight. You will have the lower body of a model. You will even gain some height. It’s crazy, but it works. Believe me! I am an expert on this.
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The next big thing for weight loss is the measuring tape. It is really important. Measurements show the real progress. So tying in with the scale and measurements you’ll want to tightly wrap the measuring tape around your scale. Man I can’t even tell you the instant results you’ll get from this. Let me just say it’s amazing!
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A lot of health gurus out there say to measure your food. I agree, do it!!! Measuring your food will give you the right amount of nutrition. I’m not sure the what the science behind it is, but it works.
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Also measuring your food and looking at it from behind in a blurry way helps too.
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One last tip. Eating out. Eating out can be difficult when you want to lose weight. Well have I got the solution for you. You grab a friend (they have to be fit) and head to your local fast food chain. You order your pile of fat/cholesterol filled, preservative laden food. The next part is tricky. You need to find a white room where you can snap a quick pic. Once you’ve found that you get out your trusty measuring tape. Wrap the tape around your meal and have your fit friend hold it. Snap a picture. With this tip you can eat what you want and not worry about the ickyness of the food. The food will magically turn into fruit and veggies. See previous pics.
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I hope these tips were helpful to you. If you have any other tips, please leave them in the comments. Happy day!

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Starting over

20 Sep

I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s funny I stop blogging and gain weight. So I have come to the conclusion that blogging =weight loss. Sounds about right. I’m sick of being the fat one. I’m sick of being tired. So about two weeks ago I decided to make a change, a lifestyle change. The first few days were awful. I was withdrawing from sugar, and man oh man that’s rough. I was grumpy and hangry. But that only lasted about three days. Thank God. I’m sure my family rejoiced that first day I wasn’t the wicked witch of the west.
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I started debolting boards for a friend at his warehouse. Holy moly that was a workout. Even my finger muscles are screaming. But it sure gets my sweat on. I am like a crazy mad woman doing it. I guess my calling is construction. :sigh. I was really hoping my calling would be healer or librarian. Nope, I’m meant for physical labor. At least I found something I’m good at. My co-workers make me board though.

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So I have made some good progress in the last 15 days, 9 pounds gone and more to go. Goodbye forever!
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